I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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