Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
