If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
