He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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