And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
