If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
