So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
