This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
