I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
