My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
