no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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