best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I fill condoms, not promises.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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