look no pants
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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