ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
