Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
