I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I am mentally ready for anal.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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