Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
babies were throwing up all over the place
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
