Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
