I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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