Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
