You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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