Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
