I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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