Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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