Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
