So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How does it feel to date your dad?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
