Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
