Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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