mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
