put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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