Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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