It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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