She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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