i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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