I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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