we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
