Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
