I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
