You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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