i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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