Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
