why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
