I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
