words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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