My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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