dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
