my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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