No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
honey bunches of taint.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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