did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
