Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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