When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
