i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
