People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
