All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Buhtt sex?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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