Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It was confusing and full of hummus
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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