I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
