I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
