Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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